Let me guess, this is the 10th self-help article or so that you’ve read online that claims to help you find yourself. So how is this article going to be any different? Because it will tell you what you were searching for, the neutral mindset.
The field of psychology as well as the self-help section in the book stores have absolutely exploded. As a Psychologist struggling to find a job on the same self-improvement path, I know this firsthand. We keep reading and reading but something is missing. additionally, with so much information out there, the advice has even started contradicting itself. Some even say self-help is destructive and although I agree to some extent, these contradictions don’t help in your quest to find the answers you are looking for.
So who are you? What do you want to do? And why does reading self-help books not help you figure that out?
The best answer I can give you is a two-part answer. The first being that you have most likely already read everything there is to know, yet not with a neutral mindset. Second, that you have read and read and read but never actually done what has been advised.
Self-help Books Or shelf-help Books?
The second part is not a judgment of you at all. These non-actions are actually not due to yourself. More often than not only information is provided. Without guidelines, instructions, or challenges it all stays merely what it is, information. Being the habitual creatures we are we know that habits are hard to form and even harder to break. Therefore, merely receiving information that a habit is bad or that this one will make you a millionaire won’t help you implement them.
So why is that? We learn from the moment we are born. We really are sponges that just absorb everything. We experience and then perceive that experience based on how others have taught us to perceive that experience. This is to ensure we will function in our society, as being part of a pack is deemed essential by our natural instinct to ensure survival. So what we learn and how we learn is not our fault, even our reactions to triggers is to some degree learned behavior. Yet when those reactions and lessons do not serve us or others, it becomes our responsibility to deal with that, no matter where these reactions came from, even trauma. Let me repeat that again. What you feel and how you respond, are not your fault, but they do become your responsibility.
The Good News
However, the fact that you have full responsibility is also a good thing. The past might not have been your fault and it may not have been fair, but now that we are here the good news is we can actually do something about how it affects you through accepting this responsibility. In order to take responsibility and successfully overcome the struggles you face you have to be neutral about the process it takes. Holding on to guilt, shame, frustration, disappointment, or grief will keep you right there, in the thick of all of it. Once you accept that whatever happened to you has happened to you and that whatever you said or did you’ve said or done, it becomes easier to actually start to do the second part, taking responsibility.
Becoming Neutral
Actually taking responsibility through actions is the part of the change that was lacking and why only reading countless self-help books filled with advice won’t make our situation any better.
Great, So we know that the learned behavior that is bothering us isn’t our fault but that if we want to change it we must take responsibility for it anyway. But, how do we successfully take responsibility and get out of this loop of reading great ideas that never seem to work for us? Curiosity. Becoming curious is the first part of the two-part answer. It will help us become compassionate for ourselves, which will pause the negative inner conversations just long enough in order to not go straight to the default worst-case scenario mindset that keeps you stuck where you are. (Donovan, 2002)
The Power Of Curiosity
Why does curiosity work? Curiosity is the only way to combat the shame, guilt, frustration, disappointment, and hurt we feel. By first becoming curious and asking questions about our own behavior we can start to understand ourselves better. This understanding is what is needed to create compassion for ourselves. Without compassion, we can not have a neutral and open mind for a positive self-image.
But what’s the benefit of having a positive self-image? Some people are motivated by negative reinforcement. Although true, studies have shown that discipline through positive reinforcement is more sustainable than through negative reinforcement. Sustainability is the missing link between reading great advice and being able to implement that great advice to benefit you. For instance, Saying no to tempting foods that are high in calories is easier to do when you view your body as a temple and want to keep it healthy rather than saying no to tempting snacks because you feel you do not look good. This is because as mentioned before we are creatures of habit and habits take time to alter so time is of the essence when it comes to actually changing our outcomes.
The How-To
So what does becoming curious look like? It looks like asking questions, and self-reflection. We have to learn why we felt what we felt, and what that says about us. We have to go on an inner search to discover what feelings are, why we need to listen to them, and what core values we hold. Only through actual self-discovery in a neutral, compassionate, curious mindset, will we actually be able to dare to step out of the armor that is weighing us down (Roxburgh, 2019).
The Takeaway
In short, we learned that self-help books often aren’t beneficial because they usually only provide general information that requires a curious mindset to implement. We learned that it’s important to be curious, as this will get rid of shame and guilt that keeps us from understanding ourselves fully without judgment in order to create compassion for ourselves. We need compassion to sustain our motivation long enough to implement new habits as changing habits takes time. So, if like me, you are done reading and absorbing all the content in the world on how to get better then stop reading those books and start reading yourself. Become curious, become compassionate, become neutral. Ready to drop the armor then read the next article on the purpose of emotions and what emotions are to start your journey of self-understanding.
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References:
Donovan, P. (2002, December 16). Study Finds that Curiosity Is Key to Personal Growth in Many Spheres, Including Intimate Relationships. Retrieved November 28, 2021, from http://www.buffalo.edu/news/releases/2002/12/5996.html
Roxburgh, R. (2019). Active Curiosity in the Coaching Process. Queen’s University ICR. Retrieved November 28, 2021, from https://irc.queensu.ca/wp-content/uploads/articles/articles_active-curiosity-in-the-coaching-process.pdf.
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